Today is the 6th of October. It is this day, ten years ago in which I lost my father. Lost a part of my family and a part of myself. I was going to spill my heart and my soul to the world about the journey I went through, but there is so much to say I simply don’t know how. So instead, to be completely real Ill skip past my story and get to the point I wanted to share.
Quite simply, when I lost my father I was not ok. I did not grieve well. But I made it. I made it to this place that has me smiling every morning. Has me wanting to get up and live life to its greatest potential. Why I’m saying this and writing each word is I don’t want people to feel ashamed when they’re simply not ok. When they are hurting and filled with emotions they can not bear. If I could go back to my ten year old self and say one thing it would be this;
When you are sad, be sad. Let tears stream down your face like the flood gates of sorrow that fills your heart. If people are there they will understand. They will not judge you. They may not always have words to say but they will have love to give and be there to keep you standing when you think you may fall.
When you are angry, be angry. It’s normal to irrationally hate the world and think it’s against you. To have someone say ‘are you ok’ for the 15th time that day and want to scream and shout. Because you’re not. You don’t know how to say it or let it out so you’re angry and that’s normal. Just take those thoughts and write. Write it all down till your hand is numb and your head is clear.
Most importantly if you are happy, genuinely happy, then be happy. Don’t feel guilty to laugh or smile with your friends. To enjoy the sun or the day that’s on your side. Even if it’s just a moment of happiness, embrace it. The person you loved and lost would want that. Would want you to have joy in your heart and live each day to the best it can be.
There is never a set time for how long grief will take. It’s important not to wait for it to return to how it was but look onward at how life can be. It can and will still be great, just different. Difference is never a bad thing. It’s just a new journey to be had.
I could have written for days and shared so much more but to finish this post I want to thank every single person who was there for me. Every person who simply looked at me and said, ‘you’re clearly not ok’ when i said otherwise and gave me a hug when there was no words to be spoken. To those people who had to watch me fall and then pick me back up I honestly thank you more then words can describe.
One last note; If there was ever a time to explain the Train Tattoo now would be it. My father loved steam trains so, so, much. He had a wardrobe full of miniature train models with the toy tracks and all. He had albums full of photos in which he taken on trips abroad and journeys had. His college engineering thesis was even one on a light weight rail car which I discovered just one year ago. So, once I’d made it to the point where i could look back at memories and smile, I went and got the tattoo. I got it as a reminder of the journey I went through and the place I’m at now.
I loved, I lost and now I live :)
Until the next time,
The girl with the [Train Tattoo]